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Cursed """"cooking"""" thread Anonymous 07/12/2020 (Sun) 01:58:48 No. 38
Howto(not) cook. Traffic drives traffic, so I'd try to contribute.
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>>38 thanks for that
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I'd love to know where this is actually from. "Woman fails splitting coconut" and any kind of variation gives me nothing.
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I don't have any pics since this was all years ago, but I do have some tales of my grandma absolutely failing to cook. She would make dinner every Sunday when I was a child. It was almost always something to look forward to. However, as she got older, a couple of strokes and the following surgeries robbed her of some of her mental faculties, speed, and most importantly her eyesight. Suddenly, operating on "what looks/tastes right" and her careful timing just led to some awful, awful messes. She would forget to add major ingredients, or to remove packaging from food before putting it in the oven. One time she literally stuck a roast in the oven for hours with the plastic wrap still on it. This sort of thing would never have happened just a few years prior. Once, she decided to make chicken pot pie. Hers were always alright. Not quite the consistency I like (her gravy is a bit soupy) but it was always a decent meal and could hit the spot when you were craving something savory. As usual, she threw in any leftover vegetables she had lying around. The usual stuff. Carrots, peas, corn, maybe some potatoes. But I encountered an odd, yellow rectangle among the mess. I pull it out to feel it and it doesn't seem like a potato, since it's grainy and squishy. I go ahead and taste it on its own and hope it's nothing too weird. It was pineapple. A lone piece of pineapple in a chicken pot pie. So naturally I asked her about this. >"Did you put pineapple in the pot pie?" And she says >"Only one piece!" I was in awe. She didn't have extra pineapple and decide to dump it in and try it out (the sort of experimentation I would expect from her) but instead added only a single piece. Where she got this piece from remains a mystery.
>>98 >pineapple in chicken pot pie As The Stomach Turns.
>>94 Reminds me of all those stories of people injuring themselves cutting avocados.
>>98 Same thing with my granny, she doesn't make a lot of blunders like in the first paragraph, but she does like to add a lot weird ingredients that don't go together because "Why not? It's not like these are poisonous", but if you don't eat it all she will notice and get offended, and I really hate wasting food but damn it's hard to eat her cooking.
>>116 Mine just liked to experiment, and she was doing most of it from memory. But it would also ruin her night if you didn't eat something. Even if you told her in advance you can't stomach a certain meal, Sometimes it was preference but she did ruin a few things in the intermediary stages. A particularly watery meatloaf comes to mind. Then she'd be upset and say she "ruined dinner" and then be doubly-upset when nobody ate much. I understand where she comes from. She works hard to make a nice meal and wants people to enjoy it. I try not to hold allergies or personal preferences against people, though. Although it does put a damper on my mood when people don't rush to eat. I've been regularly handling meals for my family since lockdown started and I've still got some outliers who will get fast food without even checking if I'm cooking. Sometimes I've made entire meals and then been the only one to have it fresh. Feels like a waste.
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What about cursed ingredients?
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>>175 I'm still trying to figure out if this is skin, flank, or some unlucky sod that fell into a flayer that the company just had to sell.
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>>186 >or some unlucky sod that fell into a flayer that the company just had to sell. Such is life in the zone.
>>41 I am going to fuck the dinner. God, I miss Super Deluxe. Easily one of the funniest, highest-quality channels on YouTube.
>>38 Are they preparing shit? >>108 H-How can you hurt yourself by opening an avocato?
>>273 >H-How can you hurt yourself by opening an avocato? People are mimicking what they've seen on Food Network and are using a knife to remove the seed by partway cutting into the seed and giving it a twist. People being the spastics that they are are cutting all the way through the seed into their hand.
>>175 I wanna taste the random meat
>>273 That's because they hold it in their hand and try to cut it. If your knife is any kind of sharp, it will easily cut right through avocado skin.
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My sister just ruined a plastic spoon and some blueberries trying to make jam. She has done it before and has no idea how it went so wrong this time. Upon interrogation she acknowledges that she used fresh blueberries previously and used frozen ones that she left in the refrigerator and didn't bother to check if the blueberries were thawed yet. House smells of burnt plastic and burnt blueberries.
>>319 I have no clue how you even do that. The frozen ones should be harder to burn because they are colder at the outset and the water should evaporate before the berries can reach a temperature they'd burn at. That said, I usually just make pie fillings, syrups, etc, not jam. But did she perhaps forget to add some water and sugar?
>>321 Her recipe only called for sugar, cinnamon which was skipped, lemon juice, and blueberries, specifically https://archive.is/eo9qI Turns out she wasn't following the recipe though. She was using 1 cup blueberries, ~>1/3 cup of sugar, no cinnamon this time, and >maybe like 10, 15 drops of lemon juice, but thats more then I normally use. She also insists that >the lemon juice doesn't count as a liquid as an ingredient as its only for the pectin
>>322 Well between the lemon juice and the extra water from using frozen, we can probably conclude that too much liquid causes the issue. I'm not entirely sure why. Usually, boiling sensitive fruits and vegetables just sorta ruins their structure but doesn't burn them. It will start cooking them a little faster. But nothing suspended in water should be capable of burning. So I'm not sure what went wrong, but if it works fine with fresh blueberries then I would say she should let them sit out to thaw and drain the excess liquid before attempting. And also to use a heatproof spoon and maybe buy a candy thermometer.
>>319 >>322 I made blueberry jam years ago without even following a recipe, it's just sugar and squished fruit. Jam is stupidly easy to make.
>>323 The only explanation I can think of is that she didn't stir enough and that the liquid at the bottom evaporated while the rest of the contents stayed frozen. Then she must have left the plastic spoon touching the bottom of the pot so it overheated and melted (this is why you use wooden ones for cooking).
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Someone made this pizza for me. The hard part was pretending everything was OK. How do you even ruin a frozen pizza?!
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>>337 I've done that a few times. They didn't set or hear the timer
>>337 >pretending everything was OK Just tell them they're a fuck-up and you're not eating that. >>340 They cook for all of ten minutes. I never use a timer, but I don't even watch the clock for frozen pizza.
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>>342 >put pizza in oven >yosh, 10min desu >play vidya That's how I got burnt pizza and smoked up the kitchen twice Sidenote, when I use to live with my drunk sister she left a pizza in the oven overnight (not still on ofc). I ate it that morning bc I didn't want to waste food and I shat blood for 2 days
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>>343 >shat blood for two days What the fuck anon My drunk uncle makes frozen pizza and he even he remembers to remove it on time. What he does do is leave it out after cooking it and then not come back out for a few hours. Which is hilarious and wasteful. I've solved this during the pandemic by cooking food. That plus the local pizza place having tons of specials and promotions means he hasn't bought a frozen pizza in months.
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>>94 >Using knife as a hammer What a fucking dork.
>>323 >>333 the blueberries weren't melting in like she expected to so she turned up the temp so high it melted the spatula and burnt the shit once it dethawed t. knower of things
>>346 >rolling pin <knife
Further testimony from my sister. >So on the recipe page there was a comment about how you'll know the jam is done when you draw your spoon through it and it takes a few seconds to come back together. >The jam did that but it was only like 5-7 minutes cooked. Which in my brain meant it couldn't have been done, right?? >...I just realized that the recipe also calls to cook for 30 minutes with 2 cups of blue berries. I was only using 1 cup. So it makes sense that it would have been done sooner! >>349 She said she didn't turn it up, and in fact turned it down after they started boiling. >>333 She stirred literally nonstop for at least 13-15 mins straight.
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>>353 so she just dehydrated it until it managed to burn >...I just realized that the recipe also calls to cook for 30 minutes with 2 cups of blue berries. I was only using 1 cup. So it makes sense that it would have been done sooner! wew
>>354 I can't even tell what that is. What exactly am I looking at here anon? Here are some cursed /ck/ Classics. I actually had that dessert ramen some where as well as the spider milk shake but I can't seem to find them. Oh well, these will do.
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>>175 Was it meat that was fed other meats?
>>98 that was a lovely story friendo, im gunna give my nan a ring tomorrow thanks :)
>>98 That's a sweet story at least. My (maternal) grandmother also used to be an excellent cook before getting too old. Her last few dishes didn't come out right. Too much spice, too little spice, there was always something off. It doesn't help that her kitchen is full of expired ingredients when she used to have fresh stuff years ago. My worst experience though was my (paternal) grandmother. She never learned to cook properly, but always believed she was good at it. We always went out to eat with her. Even cereal wasn't an option because they had typical bland cereal, or the milk was close to expiration and smelled funny. The last time I remember eating her cooking we had hamburgers that were either undercooked or overcooked. No in-between. If I were older at the time I might have tried to help cook. I still don't know how you have half the burgers more than well-done, and another half redder than rare. She was special. My parents usually gave myself and the siblings snacks for the trip to visit her and the cousins who lived nearby, but we ended up just saving them for when we spent the night at her place every time. (Or maybe that's what they were for?) We lived 2 states over, so we weren't that close. We mostly just saw her around Christmas or big occasions.
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>>175 >What about cursed ingredients? I have some cursed canned food.
>>738 >It doesn't help that her kitchen is full of expired ingredients Expanding on this one because it's close to my heart. My friend's mom is a great cook normally, but there have been mishaps in her kitchen from overbuying or downright neglect. >Went over to his house a few years back and saw some smoked salmon in the fridge. <They have some bagels, might as well make a sandwich. >Be warned by friend and his brother that it's possible it wasn't good anymore. <"Should be fine, it can't be that old." >Take a bite of sandwich and the salmon is rancid. >Probably something like two months past expiration, with the package having never been opened. Otherwise, had (many) experiences of her buying a shit ton of milk, only to take a drink from an unopened container and find it chunky and acidic. My friend also made pasta once, took a bite, and then proceeded to look down and realise there were worms in the pasta. The experiences are few and far between, but are scarring nonetheless. >>744 Absolutely horrendous.
>>744 That's passed cursed, that's nightmare fuel. >>747 >buying a shit ton of milk, only to take a drink from an unopened container and find it chunky and acidic I had sour milk from a school lunch once because they never checked expiration dates on the cartons. (It wasn't chunky yet, but after pouring it out I noticed it was yellowish.) I couldn't drink milk for 2 weeks after that because even when it was still fresh I could still taste the sour milk.
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>>751 Had that happen at a restaurant when I was a kid, but with the little milk packages you normally add to coffee. Place went out of business shortly after that.
>>751 >>753 >2005 or so, in high school >Live in the mountains, 30m drive to the nearest town that has big grocery stores; also play Magic, the only card store for miles was there >Me and two friends hitch a ride with my mom into town for her 8 am shift (store opens at 10 am, we were that into the game we didn't mind waiting 2 hours just to play) >Hit up a local restaurant called The Little Red Hen or something, they do all day breakfasts >Friend gets milk with his order >"Hey anon, does this taste sour?" "Maybe?" >Other friend tastes it, definitely soured >Point this out to the waitress >He gets charged for two glasses of milk >Never eat there again >SEVERAL YEARS LATER >Mysterious fire gutted the restaurant and two others in town just this year, after multiple lockdowns I wonder if they tried to burn it for the insurance money, since they were barely making money before
>>760 I think the restaurant I went to was a front for the mafia or some gang. Otherwise, if they were claiming insurance money, I'm amazed they waited fifteen years.
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>>807 >that spoiler Fucking hell man, I'm almost convinced that's a shoop.
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>>807 HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THAT BADLY? Just pluck out the seed with your fingers and then plant it for a rather attractive houseplant.
>>813 >houseplant That's a tree nigga
>>813 >>814 Trees are plants and it is planted in the house. Shits a houseplant mate
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>>816 >>814 Let's just call it a housetree
It's comforting to read other people's bad grandma stories. It has become an annual task for me to throw out expired food in my gran's house. Boxes, and boxes, and boxes of cake mix fill the pantries because she's convinced she's gonna make them one day, then forgets she has it because she never looks in the pantry, then goes and buys more boxes. Just the other day I had to throw out like 5 opened bags of food, one was like a mostly empty bag of funyuns she wanted to put in salad, an open bag of rice noodles that smelled stale, an open bag of chow mein noodles that was VERY smelly, an open package of offbrand oreos and a ziplock bag of actual oreos from some indeterminate year, there was another ziplock bag of some brown powder that I can't identify because it has no smell at all... I hate to check containers in the fridge that are opaque, so many times I've opened sour cream or cream cheese containers that were completely green inside. She also suffers from having no sense of taste any more, and when she cooks she'll often substitute ingredients that she's missing, she never checks if she has all the ingredients before cooking. Few things have made me as sick as lasagna that she substituted ricotta with cottage cheese... >>41 My first thought seeing this is how retarded it was to carve the image of a vagina into something that already had a gaping hole
>>838 Half the stuff in my grandma's pantry was purchased a decade or more ago. I still cook with it and it turns out fine

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