I've been trying to write out posts explaining my fears, only to misstep my commands and accidentally close the browser tab, two different instances.
It's only after these accidently-dropped tabs that I've come to a realization of just what's holding me back.
Fear of being humiliated. Fear of being shamed. Fear of being judged.
I am afraid of being humiliated, shamed and judged...
...for not being as good as the masters.
...for not having 'proper' human anatomy.
...for having something anatomical be out of place.
...for having improper character "mannequin" structure.
...for not doing things "the way" anons expect it to be.
...for leaving out or making mistakes of small or significant details.
...for being 'wrong', or doing something 'wrong'.
...for not being able to do something perfect in my first stroke.
...for putting something out that I personally feel is wonderful, beautiful, fun, or an improvement from my older works.
...for having sketches and lineart that is busy or "messy" looking.
...for not living up to someone's expectations.
...for using digital tools like the line or curves tool to speed up my workflow because "it's cheating".
...for tracing (over) something because "it's cheating/plagiarism,", even if It's something I'd never release or claim it's completely original.
...for admitting I traced something, and having my reputation be forever-ruined because of it.
...for being the target of some overzealous bully-critic who wants nothing more than a power high.
...for admitting my faults.
...for doing nothing.
I want these fears to be healed. I can't fucking stand it when someone says that "you have to live with this,". It fucking feels like they still have the problem and have no fucking clue what to actually do and just may a stupid excuse to justify their lack of progress. I'm not asking for 'a cure,' I just want to be able to be happy, functional, and practice and do all this shit that artists do without being burdened or being emotionally-paralyzed because of fear and shame.